I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need water and some morals
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
