I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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