At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
