Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
