Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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