Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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