I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
