He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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