he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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