So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
