Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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