I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
