The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
