I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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