I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
