So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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