genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
