Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
