I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
high people should be assigned attendants
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
