My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
