I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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