Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
