Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
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Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
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She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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