Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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