I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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