There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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