Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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