Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
