so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
