I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
