1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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