just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
