but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
its liver damage thursday
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
