I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
