Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
