if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
