i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
