I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
