She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
