Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
