I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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