lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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