I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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