My sheets look like a crime scene.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
And then he peed in my hair
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