watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize