The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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