it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
