I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
