My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
this is an emotional support booty call
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
