It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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