It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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