He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
