My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
