I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
