sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
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Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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