I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
