my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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